dra·ma - A way of relating to the world in which a person consistently overreacts to, or greatly exaggerates the importance of benign events.
-Typically “drama” is used by people who are chronically bored or those who seek attention. People who engage in “drama” will usually attempt to drag other people into their dramatic state, as a way of gaining attention or making their own lives more exciting.
I haven’t written in a while, so I figured I may as well re-hash a few things that have happened since April.
Please pardon my inevitable fragmented sentence structure, as I have only had about 5 hours of sleep the past 2-3 days.
Where to begin:
Brandon and I have been together “officially”, over 7 months now. Things have settled in my mind a bit more now as compared to a few months back. I guess relationships take time, effort, and the willingness and desire on both parts to make it want to work. I believe we both do, and thus the success of how far we’ve made it as of today. While we don’t always agree, it’s the arguments and trials that inexplicably bring us closer together. And for those of you who are asking, an engagement won’t be in our future until a while longer. Neither of us want to rush it, or jump in just because it’s the current “Facebook trend.”
Enough of the mushy: it’s kinda naseuating.
I have my own place now. A 2br apartment, that I share with my puppy. The joys of being an “adult” have been an awakening of which I’d rather have slept through. While I also have a new job making much more than my previous endeavor, a whopping portion of my check goes to rent, bills, and gas. I think I mis-worded my phrase when I said I wanted to be a “grown-up.”
The “real” world, as I can hear my dad incessantly, and revoltingly repeating is not all that it’s cracked up to be. My truck is going to die any day now, and then what? My washer just broke, and maintence is taking forever. The laundry is piling up because I’m working full time, and I’m noticing when lights are on, or how much bathwater I use in order to make sure I budget properly.
There is no longer the “luxury” of calling in when you stayed out too late, or didn’t sleep well. If I don’t work, I don’t get paid. If I don’t get paid, I don’t have a roof. If I don’t do laundry, I don’t have clothes. If I don’t clean, it gets messy. It’s a domino effect of one effecting the other, and I have to be sure to keep them all in balance.
Hopefully I’ll be able to post some pictures soon. But for now, I’ll go to sleep under my desk. Goodnight.
— Psalm 118:8
past & future:
I feel like this may be a rehashing of a previous entry, but nonetheless I will continue writing.
I don’t know if God cut me out for relationships. It just seems like maybe I’m not made for them. No one wants to be with someone who is constantly finding miniscule things to complain about, things that don’t fit the “perfect mold” she has embedded in her mind. Yet, it seems like every relationship I enter into, no matter how perfect, I’m always terribly pessimistic. In reality, maybe it’s just fear. Fear of marrying the same kind of man as my dad. Fear of not having a marriage that lasts. Fear of settling too soon, or settling at all. No one is perfect, and I know that, so why do I consistently find things to dwell on, while overshadowing the others that are amazing?
I have two theories. One, is that because of my OCD, I tend to obsess over things that I find slightly irritating or offensive. And until I verbalize my dissatisfaction with the aforementioned, I can’t focus on anything else, and it can subsequently ruin an entire day. At the same time though, I wonder “am I obsessing?” or “is this a legitimate issue?” and I can rarely tell the difference. Because of this, I share almost every concern and it’s exhausting for both myself and the recipient. Lastly, it gets to a point where I am afraid to tell my partner things for fear of them getting mad, irritated, or offended–obviously no one wants to hear about every single thing you don’t like about them… It’s rather stressful.
Secondly, I’m fairly certain my dad has messed up any idea of a normal relationship with a male in my mind. I honestly do not know how to relate or interact with adult males comfortably and confidently, and that is obviously a problem. This perception rolls over into a relationship in the sense of knowing how a healthy relationship between should look, because I honestly do not know. I didn’t realize what a significant impact my father had on me until recently. I look back and recall significant situations in my life that were obviously a direct correlation between my father’s inability to father, and how I interact with people today.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not upset in the least about my current relationship.
I just wish I could control my own thoughts.
as I sit, ever complacent in my standard issue roll chair at work, I contemplate ways to kill myself. a noose out of paper clips? a staple to the jugular? I can’t seem to find which way would be most efficient (and cost effective.)
nonetheless, such is my life. eight to five office work, which essentially consists of facebook and wrist slitting. as a child, I couldn’t wait to go to work every day, sit at a desk, and be a “real office professional.” as I now sit here at my desk contemplating my demise, wrapped in a snuggie and drinking $1.75 Mountain Dew I wonder what it would be like to patrol the streets or investigate a criminal’s psyche.
I can’t wait.
today, was an interesting one. but before we delve into the details, let’s back up and recap my endeavors since my last entry. i’ve been in contact with the police department, and found out that once the hiring freeze for the city is lifted, i’m on the top of the hiring list! this was nice to hear, since given the government job cuts, I figured they may can whatever chance this round of candidate LEO’s had.
i’ve started back into school, and am taking all senior level residential classes, and two online classes. i’m enjoying my residential classes which consist of Terrorism, Criminology, and Criminal Psychology. my course load is a bit heavier this year, and with working until five everyday, it gets a little hectic. throw in home responsibilities, LUCR, and volleyball and such is my life. apparently according to those around me I don’t sleep enough or eat properly, I wouldn’t agree. this is college, right?
so, in a direct correlation to college, we’ll shift gears of content to today. today, was kind of irritating. due to conditions beyond my control, I missed my first class. after I was able to hit the road, I was, ironically almost hit by a green BMW. granted, i’m certain the damage to their vehicle would have been much more to fix than them finishing the manual removal of my front bumper, however thankfully God provided a split-second avoidance of a collision. side note: I was able to have lunch with my Mom, which is one of the moments that makes living at home during college totally worth it.
after almost certain death (jk), I headed to my second class, which in essence consisted of 10 minutes of a movie and then dismissal. since I was afforded this extra time, I decided to venture downtown to the Police Dept. to turn in the remainder of my paperwork. I love even being in the PD building, it gives me a rush of excitement for my future and I feel like that is where I very well could end up establishing a career. after being stalked by a homeless man as I walked back to my truck, I made the journey back to work where I couldn’t find a parking spot for 15 minutes. I parked illegally and ran the risk of getting towed, which had that occurred would just top off my day. oh, I also locked my keys in my truck, but that’s a separate rant.
additionally, to continue my list of complaints, I’ve been feeling super scattered lately. not so much as in time management etc., but like my mind is foggy and unable to process things I usually would have no problem with. (if you blame my sleeping pattern, I will hunt you down.) it almost feels like a slower cognitive pattern occurring to where things that would usually come with ease take me a minute to focus on, even as I write this entry, I feel like I’m struggling with my vocabulary and use of words that would not usually cause an issue. I’m not sure why this is happening, but it’s comparable to slow motion, and a rapid succession of Polaroid’s in my mind instead of a cohesive film. it may have something with the fact that my vision is getting progressively worse, or perhaps it’s the aforementioned that affects the latter. regardless, if this is what it’s like to get “old”, I want no part.
once I finally made it to work, I was greeted by several tasks that should have been completed by the time of my arrival, but instead had been avoided until I walked in, and suddenly became super important once the boss and guests would notice the source of delegation for them. it occurred to me, while at work, that a) I hate my job, b) I’m blessed to have a job (and a super easy one at that), and c) through some sort of super natural clarification, that I suddenly knew for certain what I want to do with my life.
I feel as though, God has called me to the field of criminal psychology. and law enforcement of some sort. while some of you may groan and spout the habitual “duh”, I wasn’t entirely sure if He was calling me to politics, or the criminal research field. but today, and perhaps after many dealings with LUCR, I am fairly confident that I am being called to the FBI or the like. when I think about what I would like to do as a career for my life, I sense no hesitation and have great peace about working in this field. it’s rather comforting.
I guess that is what college is for, deciphering through the myriad of ideas, and substituting them with concise, and solidified plans.